I already sense and see the beginning of ADHD, which was a huge part of talon’s dad’s childhood. I see myself playing into the problem, allowing tv to be a huge source of entertainment, I’m just so exhausted after a 9-11 hour day at work. It’s no excuse, I should be better at this and I’m not…

When does it all get easier?

I’ve done a lot recently, an insane vegas grooming convention quite recently.

I made tears today, begging my friend Rayne to stop referring to mine and glenn’s relationship as in the honeymoon stage because I didn’t think we were anymore. He has seemed so irritable lately, so disgruntled, so bored with me. Still the sweet and gag-worthy emails that I collect and adore, but when we spoke or he popped up at my work he seemed so bugged with me.

I hate the things I do that are so opposite of him. My lackadaisical (not a popsicle) attitude toward housekeeping disgusts him… I would choose the man who alphabetizes and organizes and uses rulers and hangs things on the wall using those whatsits… levels? Levelers?

I hate that I’m so busy and so boring. I have no time to read anymore. The next book on the list is The Postmortal by Drew Msomebody. God, give me the tips to splurge on an Amazon purchase that doesn’t involve parenting advice. Give me the time to read!

I’m lonely, horny, and sad. Losing weight and wanting sex but living too far to get it. Toys get boring, and I’m bored…

my parents are friends with a couple who has a 5 year old boy. Anytime they visit (they live a few hours away), talon spends several days in Little Kid Social Heaven. It’s fun for them, though they seem to fight a lot as they’re both only children and lack sharing skills.

Last night the little boy’s mother asks me what i do for fun. I gazed at her from the depths of my sunken eye sockets,and said quite seriously: “i don’t have fun. I work full time and commute a total of two hours a day. Then i pick up talon and mom (used as a verb) for a few hours before bedtime. on my days off, i clean, do laundry, and go to the store. There’s just no time for fun. And fun usually costs money.”

The woman sort of laughed uncomfortably and patted my arm, then reassured my that my time will come.

I dont believe her.

On top of my financial woes, i have the stresses of everything im failing at. More bullets!

- potty training. We could be done with expensive pull ups had i the time and the will to pop him on the potty and use the crafty calendar and sticker-reward system i had planned (read: bribery). 3 stickers a day gets a tiny uber cheap toy. Unfortunately my am routine is so early and so rushed that i haven’t figured out a timely way t fit in Positive Reinforcement pottying. And after work, it’s all i can do to make a healthy, veggie-based dinner while simultaneously doing dishes, putting T with the TV Nanny i swore i’d NEVER use. Then it’s a suvar-free, 89 calorie fruity popsicle, bath, and abbreviated memory game. Then two stories, and nanight.

Then i stare blankly around my house, ordering myself to work out, and 45 mins later im still laying in bed catching up on petgroomerforums.com, thepoodlebreed.com, and poodleforum.com.

I’ve gained at least 20lbs in the.last year, and simple low-cal eating is not enough anymore, i need to excercise, but who has the time?

I have shelves and shelves of beloved books and no time to read.more than a page a day. I work 8hours+ a day, but there’s also the near two hour total commute im making a day. There is no time, and i dont get a lunch break to winnd down and read anymore.

Going out is a mere memory. It’s such an inconvenience to asl my parents to watch T all night when they watch him all day. I finally wrangled a night off of mom duty, ran a few work errands, and arrived at glenn’s at 730… only to learn that he’d looked up the wrong movie times and Harry Potter was showing at 710 and 1010. Id missed the first and 1010 was impractical for so many reasons.

I got ready anyway, asking glenn to please find SOMETHING TO DO besides sit at home.

All dressed up in fat-girl capris and a blouse that would hav been flirty 10  washes ago, i accompanied my date to Walmart redbox. Along the way i pointed out a few bars (last ditch effort) and he either missed the hints completely or avoided them because it was late-ish and he doesn’t care for liquor and that sort of thing costs money.

I was in tears driving back from Wally, but trying to be brave… i had just been so excited to GO OUT and do SOMETHING DATEY AND NORMAL. glenn noticed once we got back to his place and i answered honestly… i was bummed that i’d wrangled a kid free night and all i wanted was to feel young and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, but we were doing the same thing… rented movie, bedroom.  He offered “if you want to go out we can go out”, but it was 9:45pm and we were both yawning, and i was too deep in my funk to come up with ideas.

My eyes watered continuously all over his chest, but i contained the rest of my depression and disappointment, not allowing the tell-tale chest-heaving that accompanies silent sobs. I felt so selfish and hign maintanence, that going out on a date had meant so much to me that when it didn’t happen i couldn’t contain my emotions.

Im in a place where i feel so ugly, so unattractive, so fat and out of shape and OLD. all i want is to do the things other girls my age are doing, not often, just maybe twice a month. Dinner. A movie. Hell, a dorky, clumsy game of lackluster pool or terrible bowling. To have some friendly competition in a game neither of us excel at.

I need to have fun. I never have fun. I don’t read anymore, no time. I dont go anywhere, i can’t afford it. I can’t allow myself more personal time than it takes to get mu eyebrows waxed because i have to relieve my parents of my son.

I’d kill for a 1 1/2 hour massage. To feel spoiled or at least noticed, appreaciated by society. I used to turn heads. Now heads turn away because im like Pigpen in Charlie Brown, with my wet dog fragrance and my perpetual cloud of dirt, dander, and dead hair.

I need a break. A 2 week coma to catch up on nearly 3 years of lost sleep. An apt with a plastic surgeon to such the stubborn fat from my body. Someone else to put talon through the bedtime routine. And the finances to make timely bill payment a possibility.

I work so hard every day and there’s never enough money. I scrimp and save and recycle and freeze… yet i’m only scraping by.

i feel like Milo the kitten being swept away by the current in a weather-beaten old wooden crate. There is no.destination, no way of controlling the speed or direction, and small waves and large waterfalls threaten to capsize or drown the entire craft.

The only certainty i am allowed is  that tomorrow will come and it will be  much like today, and if i survived today, tomorrow i will manage.

I never update, so i am now because i need a sounding board, a place to vent and cry my frustrations…

Im living with Talon in our own little one bedroom house now, 45 mins from work (one way). And… i am struggling.

My PT cruiser died and was sold for $1000. I borrowed my sister’s car while she was overseas for a month, then learned stick and now im borrowing my grandfather’s truck, something Ford. im supposed to be saving for a new vehicle, but it’s slow going and i lack the credit history for a loan from a credit union or any other place that wont rape me dry.

So many expenses keep popping up… here’s some bulletpoints to keep run on semtences to a minimum:

- glenn’s b-day was extravagant, as he hadn’t had anyone make a big deal of his birthday since he outgrew Chuck E. Cheese… i sent him on a scavenger hunt to many of our courtship locations and finished with a fancy dinner…

- next is Vegas in a week and a half for Superzoo, the big Grooming convention, where i need to replace my three cheapo shears with quality tools, ($300+) and also invest in several other tools and products guaranteed to make my professional life easier and faster and my quality more consistent. I’ll need at least $500 for the show… i’d like a few hundred more for a childless night out and an outfit to wear for it, but that wont happen.

- talon’s birthday. We are asking everyone invited to contribute $30 (instead of gifts) toward an outdoor playset with a swing, multi-level fort, sandbox, and slide. Because these sort of group gifts NEVER work, im planning on needing to invest $300 (half) to make up for the people who usually bring him dollar store gifts.

-Halloween. Themed costumes between myself, talon, and bonzai.

- holidays.

Talon just woke up sobbing. A sleepless night for me follows.